There is no overlap between these two. While it is possible to love someone you lust after, the two are distinct experiences of mind and body. It is just as possible to lust after someone we do not love. The point is this: Caring and wanting are two different things.
Love and lust do sometimes overlap but we can have love without lust. To lust after something is to have unbridled craving, and we are expected to keep our desires and passions within the bounds the Lord has set. Peter taught that lusts war against the soul (1 Peter 2). Paul also taught that we will be judged by our thoughts as well as our actions in explaining what Christ meant when he admonished that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart (Matthew 5:28).
How then do we keep our thoughts clean in this world? We can only entertain one thought at a time. Try not to think of a blue horse. The only way is to force other thoughts into your mind. Therefore, we should think only upon those things that invite the spirit continually and we will prevail.
Professional philosophers these days often frame their abstruse reflections in folksy language to demonstrate (to each other and general readers of their popular writings) that they aren’t academic stuffed shirts or stuffed blouses. That’s how we get serious consideration of so-called “fuzzy categories” and “fuzzy logic.”
Take baldness. How much hair must a man’s hairy head lose to be called bald? Baldness is a fuzzy category, so to speak. Same for tall/short, good/bad, etc. The boundary conditions are imprecise, subjective, situational.
That goes, too, for love and its boundary with lust. There’s sexual love without lust, and lust without love. But by the logic of love even adoring couples sometimes just get it on. That’s fuzzy. Or over time love turns to lust, or lust to love — but who can say exactly when? We’re not talking saintly love, we’re talking sexual — though lusty fuzz is not unknown to sanctity, either.
The ebb and flow of intimate relationships
Karen A. Foster, minister, Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Northern Nevada
One can certainly have either one without the other, but sometimes they do occur together, especially at beginning of a relationship. Sometimes lust wanes over time, and this gives an opportunity for love to deepen, flourish and thrive, transcending sexual attraction. There are many seasons of life, and relationships go through many seasons also. There may be times when either love or lust feels stronger, and then life happens, time goes on, and they are brought into balance, or scales tip the other way for a time. This is a natural part of the ebb and flow of intimate relationships.
While there are many variations of love and lust, as humans we are prone to labels and categorizations. Although we mostly focus on sexual desire when thinking of lust and love, these can also apply to other life experiences that are intense and consuming — an opportunity for pause and introspection.
Passionate intimacy
ElizaBeth Webb Beyer, Jewish rabbi
Orthodox Rabbi Schmuly Boteach teaches that love and lust can and should both be found within marriage. Of his 30 books, half focus on sex, including, “Kosher Sex,” “Kosher Sutra,” and “Kosher Lust.” He posits that it’s best when husbands and wives can be both lovers (lust) and best friends (love). Further, he says that the Tenth Commandment to not covet thy neighbor’s wife directly implies that one should be coveting (desiring, lusting after) thy own wife! Otherwise, it would say to not covet anyone. Coveting is about desiring — and is applauded within marriage. Total trust and commitment pave the way for the necessary eroticism that makes an intimate, electrifying and holy relationship. After all, the Song of Solomon, according to the Talmud, is the holiest book of the Torah. It’s all about the erotic desire of a man for a woman, something that is celebrated in Judaism.
Love vs. lust
Stephen R. Karcher, presiding priest, Saint Anthony Greek Orthodox Church
1 Corinthians 13 teaches us that true love is sacrificial; it is patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t boast, isn’t proud, isn’t rude, isn’t self-seeking, isn’t easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, doesn’t delight in evil, rejoices in the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. And love never fails.
In contrast, lust is an overmastering desire that is impatient, envious, demanding, uncaring, and angers easily; it needs to be appeased immediately, doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, likes to brag, rejoices only when it gets what it wants, tramples over the feelings of others, is interested only in self-pleasure, is deceptive and secretive, only protects himself/herself, never trusts what it can’t manipulate, and rejoices even in evil deeds that help it get its way.
In brief, lust is only about satisfying one’s own self and is always short term, therefore it can never overlap with love.
Of course, they overlap
Nancy Lee Cecil, Baha’i teacher
Authentic love goes beyond physical beauty and/or sexual attraction. Yet “love” and “lust” can absolutely overlap within a marriage, if one defines lust as “sexual desire.” The Baha’i Writings tell us “… if the marriage is based upon both the spirit (love?) and the body (lust?), that union is a true one; hence, it will endure. If the bond is physical (lust?), and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary and must inexorably end in separation.”
If love and lust were not meant to co-exist in such a manner, God would surely have not made sex so pleasurable! God could have created the whole reproductive activity in an entirely different way: a secret handshake? A deliberate facial exchange? Instead, He provided us with sexual intimacy as a beautiful expression of love; a distinct blessing, but He intended it to be used only in the context of a loving relationship.
Next week’s topic: What religion can do for global systemic challenges?
Faith Forum is a weekly dialogue on religion produced by religious statesman Rajan Zed. Send questions or comments to rajanzed@gmail.com or on Twitter at @rajanzed.
